Very hard....this feeling that has been creeping up on me the last few months is hard to describe. But I want to, for Chelsee's sake. We have been home with Chelsee now for 9 months! Some days, it feels like we have never been without her and some days, it feels so brand new again.
My feelings are beginning to get the better of me. I can tell I am finally relaxing about this enormous load I have been carrying since we learned a year ago that we have a precious new child to love and to care for! I've always been the kind of person to mark things in chronological order so I knew the year passing since we have known about our Lu Fu Mei would make me reflect heavily. But I did not think it would make me so pensive and reflective about what her life was like this time last year and now. I thought I would concentrate more on how I was feeling this time last year (sad but optimistic again) and this year (thankful and happy beyond words).
I've caught myself looking at Chelsee or looking at Julee and Chelsee together and thinking about what she was doing this time last year. What was she thinking? What was she doing, feeling? Lots of times over the past year, she has told me that she was waiting for me! She asked me one time, "What took you so long?" So while I think it's great that she feels we belong together, I hate it that she felt the pain of the wait too! I used to pacify myself by thinking that at least Chelsee didn't know it was taking so long to be together. But I was wrong! She did feel it. It might only have been for a few months while we (and China) prepared for our trip, but still....it hurt her!
I've caught myself crying (ok, sobbing) over the milestones Chelsee has reached so quickly. When I saw her up on that dance stage making her debut by singing and dancing to "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth," I made a fool of myself. I kept flashing back to her referral pictures and the image I have of her the very first afternoon after we met. Such a looong long way you have come, my angel, and it fills me with such pride. Later, when I found out you were scared to go on stage and perform, I melted because you still did it, you sweet thing. And you danced so beautifully, I could see your pride! You will always be the bravest little girl I know!!
I've caught myself welling up when Chelsee sat on Santa's lap after checking him out thoroughly first. She wanted to know a lot about him before deciding it was ok to sit on his lap. She is observant and does not miss a thing....a very good reminder to me to always watch what I say and do. I love the questions she asks because it tells me she is making sure she understands as much as she can before allowing herself to believe it and learn it. Check out the video of Chelsee with her first Santa.
I've also caught myself becoming a little too complacent with Chelsee's attachment. She outwardly shows how seamless it has appeared but deep down, she is still figuring out how to accept her new family completely! I know of a few of the subtle signs she is exhibiting, but since she appears so happy and adjusted, I have to remind myself that she is still attaching. It is such a personal and interactive process and it never completely ends. I try to always remind her that she is safe, secure and loved. I keep having to tell myself and Al to be patient because Chelsee requires sensitive parents capable of constant emotional support! The more we accomplish now, the less she will struggle later. Thankfully, there are not many food or sleep issues, so that helps us as parents. Julee is a wonderful help, but she too talks about how she wishes she didn't have to think about what she is doing with her sister or how she is speaking to her.....but what a wonderful lesson in parenting she is getting!
All in all, I am feeling very positive that we are providing Chelsee a wonderful new life and more importantly, one that she loves fiercely! It has been a long time coming, but I am so thankful to be at this place, finally!!! Thank you to all of you that have helped me get here, you are priceless to me!
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